The Afterlife

My pain is my biggest secret

2012-02-02T09:44:00.001-08:00

courtesy of Naressa Khan

Well hello there, my first entry for 2012. Here we go.

January passed by me in a blink of an eye. A lil exaggeration there. I remember January to be painful. The pain is excruciating to the extend I feel numb in everything I do. I cried so much at night and wish to just go to sleep until peace returns. Do you know the difference feeling happy and sad? For the longest time, I don’t.

I often wonder when will God end this. Or maybe ease it. I spent the last few days regretting things from my past. I am not like this. I am always the optimistic one. I feel like I’ve lost that girl inside me. I try my best to stay focus and keep myself occupied but every single night before I go to sleep; negative thoughts creep its way into my mind.

I am never the type to talk about my problems. Not even to Adam. I find it hard to put my thoughts into words so people can see through my eyes. It hurts me that I’m unable to share things with Adam. I only talk to him when I feel better. He has never failed being there for me regardless not knowing the reason behind my tears. And I’m grateful to have him. My blessing in disguise. I am not exaggerating here.

I am staying strong. For myself, my family and for him. I’m holding on to that little thing called hope.

Every girl can dream

2011-12-30T02:41:00.000-08:00

Hello there. This could be my last post for 2011. Can’t believe 2012 is approaching in a day. December has been exciting. I have already made some plans for 2012. Early January, Mama wants to go on a shopping trip at Jakarta or Bandung. Mid April, Adam invited me to visit his grandparents in Paris. Later on December, Yana suggested to follow her to New Zealand. Wow, hell of a plan huh? But first, I’m gonna have to save up. Money don’t grow on trees.

Anyways, it has been a month since fourth semester started. And this semester has proven to be the busiest semester as compared to the previous ones. I am so occupied with debate(mostly) and assignments. Adam is also facing the same situation. The only time we both get to talk is when we’re about to sleep. Soooo, we came up with a solution to tour around Kuala Lumpur every time we get back to the city. You all know how much I love walking in the city in the evening right? And I have been doing that with Adam for the past few weeks. It had been such a good therapy.

Since this could be my last post of 2011, I shall do the cliché entry.

2011 had been hard. But it can never beat March 2010. If there is one thing that I could share with you guys about my 2011, it’ll be about my relationship with my family. Every family has their sunny and rainy days. Mine is no exception. God has blessed us for the past few years. But we have forgotten of him during the sunny days. Being the wise one, He has his own ways of making us remember him once again. And I’m grateful for that chance.

You know what? Despite all the things that are happening with me now, I am one lucky biatch to have amazing people surrounding me. These people give me positive vibe and I know they will stay with me no matter what.
So thank you 2011 for returning me the old friendship, maintaining my relationship with him and for building the bond I have with my family now.

Happy new year. Happy second anniversary Adam :)

The city excites me

2011-12-01T01:09:00.000-08:00

I love the city. I don’t know what it is about the city that calms me down. If some people prefer the country side because of its tranquility, I myself prefer the city. To me, it brings equal peace, serenity and tranquility.

One of my favorite activities in the city is to take the evening walk with Love. Hand in hand and arm in arm. He holds me close to him and gives me the safest feeling ever. I feel most vulnerable and fragile in his arms. Whenever he kisses me on the forehead, I know the feelings we share is mutual. That is a perfect evening to me.

As you all know, I happened to be shipped away to Jengka, Pahang to further my studies. I am already pursuing my fourth semester in Diploma of Business Studies. My life allows me to experience and adapt to many situations. I am currently living two different lives in two different worlds. On the weekdays, I’ll be on the country side as a full time student. While on the weekends, I’ll be in the city where I feel most belong as myself. Living in Jengka, I managed to learn soooo many things about myself. Here, I push myself beyond my limits. I became stronger and much more independent. I also learn to appreciate people and the life that I have in the city.

Every time I set my foot in the city, I’d savor every moment till the time I have to say goodbye. I still cry silently in my bed every Sunday night. But when I wake up the next morning as a student, I suck it all in put a smile on my face.

I have everything in the city. My life is not perfect, but when I look at every inch of it, I have everything that I need. And not having some of things that I want, assure me that I can still be happy in the future when I finally get what I want.

The rain won't stop

2011-10-28T03:28:00.000-07:00

67 days since I last update my blog.

It is currently raining in Kuala Lumpur. And of course, with a cup of Nescafe, I am inspired to blog. I love the rain. I love the weather after the rain. It is just so peaceful and serene.

Anyways, I am currently on my semester break. Just like any other students, I have planned to fill my holidays with productive activities. And so far, I did none. I wanted to work but here I am wasting my time telling you about my daily routine. I wanted to go on a vacation with the debaters but we couldn’t find the right time. I wanted to wake up early in the morning and go jog or swim but I only sleep in the morning because I’ll be out all night. I sleep at 6am and wake up at 3pm. My breakfast, lunch and dinner are all mixed up.

Oh well. Since I can’t commit to the plans I’ve made, I shall just go with the flow with what comes upon me. Because that is what I do best.

Since the holidays started, I became closer with my high school friends. After all the unnecessary drama, I’m glad we can put the past behind us and move on. I like the fact we are still able to laugh and tease each other like old times.

And oh! My birthday is in two days. Heheheheheh

Saja je upload these pictures. For I don't know what reason.

Just because I'm lost, doesn't mean I'll stop

2011-08-22T00:00:00.000-07:00

I failed to solve my own puzzle. I’m lost.

Hello there. Wow. This blog is really dusty. I don’t even remember the last time I updated any entry. Ramadhan is coming to its end. The first day was a bit emotional. All I could think of was home. I really do miss home. I miss waking up early to sahur and the chaos right before berbuka. Being far away from home is definitely challenging. Especially at times like this.

I have a lot in my mind. I have so many things to say to many different people. At this point, I have all kind of feelings that one might feel. I have lost my momentum. I can’t keep up with time. I think I’m losing me piece by piece. When I read my previous post, I was really impressed. Heh. Not in a cocky way. But how the hell did I manage to write and express myself like that? Why is it so hard for me to just let things out naturally and type without any doubt? What happened? When did it happen? How did it happen?

I have been different lately. I was going through my memory box and I saw a lot of bus tickets, movie tickets, cards, letters and the littlest thing that can bring back thousand of memories. Believe it or not, I still have my bus tickets KL to Jengka since my first semester here. I don’t know why I keep them. Maybe to remind me of how much home meant to me? But I stopped collecting them. I do not want to feel attach to such small thing. I don’t want to feel attach to my past. I don’t want to love unnecessary things. It’s not that I want to forget or not appreciate memories; I just want life to be simpler. Is that possible? I don’t want to be clingy to anything. I want to be independent and free. I want to be able to hurt just so I can get what I want. I want to stand strong next to my principles. Regardless any circumstances. I want to be the ice queen. I do not want to care if people hate me, as long as I get what I want. But you know, I am not that strong for all that. My friends tell me that I’m strong, I am not easily pushed around, and I have strong beliefs, yada yada yada…. But right now, I am everything that’s negative.

I have the answers to all my questions. I just hate admitting them. It’s the ego. Ego truly is our greatest enemy. Not Satan or human being. It’s our ego. Survive the battle and you win. Don’t let your ego control your life, your actions, and decisions. Adam talked to me about ego before this. And his words blew me off. Swear. He said, it is not alcohol, cigarette or drugs that made Satan refused to obey Allah when he was told to bow at Nabi Adam, it was ego. Satan’s ego was really great and he went against Allah. He wasn’t under the influence of drugs or alcohol. And from his words, I know indirectly he was talking about my ego. Urgh. But he’s right. And I hate that. So gotta do something with this ego of mine!

This blog is getting too long and annoying. I better stop now. I’ll continue when I have the time yeah?

Cheers (:

2011-08-11T13:19:00.000-07:00

I tried to write. But I can't.

I wish I know what happened.

It hurts because we care

2011-06-22T09:06:00.000-07:00

I have been so stressed out lately. First month of third semester had been tiring and busy and packed. One problem comes after another. I’m getting really tired and exhausted. I just want to go home and be with my family, Adam and my good friends. I want to chill and have a good time. I want to forget about all the negative things that are happening.

I hate it when people tell me to go against my principal just so they’ll be satisfied. I get mad just by thinking about it. Not everybody understands what I do when I’m depress or happy. When I’m sad, or confuse, I’ll blog. Because by writing down every single thought of mine, I actually find a solution and I analyze more about people surrounding me. Then I’ll know who to avoid and who to be kept close. It is my problem, and it gives me the right to talk about it. I don’t really tell people about what I’m going through and blogging is one of the ways to express it.

Lately, I discover how ignorant and stupid people can be. Heh. There are a few people that I’d never look at them the same way ever again. I wish I can tell them this, but due to her advice, I’ll keep it to myself. Don’t get me wrong, the respect is still there. Only the perceptions toward them have changed. Sayang nye. I used to really adore them. But it takes a few unfortunate series of event for me to really see their true color. Or stupidity.

I don’t hold grudge. I let go easily. Trust me. Only thing that will change is the perception. I’d be more cautious and aware of my surrounding.

To my loveliest in Jengka, you guys know who you are, I love each and one of you dearly. Stupid fights are meant for a better relationship. It hurts because we care. I hope we learn from mistakes. Think wider and wiser this time. Analyze situations on your own not depend on others for it. Have a solid stance and principal. Love you guys :)

Oh no, flu and sore throat. Not good. I want home!

Hush

2011-06-13T09:51:00.000-07:00

I'm drained. I'm tired. I'm exhausted.

I'm happy. I'm proud. I'm satisfied.

I'm sad. I'm upset. I'm disappointed.

I'm grateful. I'm glad. I'm relieved.

See how fucked up everything is right now?

I see no other ways of letting them know how I feel. So, here goes.

You- Things are not justified just because it is logical. It is only justified if you hear it from two sides. I hope you'd know better.

You- You said that I'm dominant. I don't why but it sounds as if you're blaming me for things that have happened.

You- Yes, juniors will be juniors. But we're not close to her because she fills our needs. It's because she understands our needs.

You- I really don't know if I can trust you again.

You- Please don't talk on behalf of us. Even if you're that observant.

You- Thank you so much for everything. No one can ever do what you did for us. I love you Yana. we would never leave you alone. :)

You- Seriously, if you do that again, I'll fucking punch you. Your balls I mean.

You- I hate it when people yell at me in public. So, stop.

So now, know what I feel. It is not that I have no respect for her. I do. Trust me. I just don't listen to someone who doesn't know the difference between right and wrong. I am really tired of all this. I'm distancing myself away and I'm done being the one who always speaks out. Too much of something is not good. I need to breathe and focus on other things.

BTW, I went for a debate competition in Dungun and managed to get selected into semi finals. I'm even in the top 10 ranking of speakers. I'm really happy and proud of myself. I wouldn't have done it without my Yana and Alif :)

Stop and Smile

2011-06-08T20:31:00.000-07:00

Hey there, I am now back in Jengka. I’m pursuing my third semester already. My blog is about to get depressing. So bear with me. There is something about this semester that is dull and dead. I don’t know what. And I am not the only one who notices this. I talked with my fellow debaters and they agreed on it. Maybe it’s because my favorite faces are not here anymore. It is only the first week and I can’t wait for third semester to be over. I want time to pass quickly so I can finally study in peace (S.I.P) in Shah Alam and be with everything I love.

The thing is, there is this one shortcut for me to pursue my degree right after this semester ends. But then, I’ll be in Malacca. But at least that campus is closer to town and I even have relatives there. I can also easily drive there and not ride the bus whenever I want to go home. I’ll spend my two years in Malacca, completing my degree. But you see, Malacca is not Shah Alam. It is still far from home. Okay maybe 1 hour 30 mins is not far, but I just want to be in Shah Alam. If I want to be in Shah Alam, I’ll have to wait for another one year. I don’t know if I have the strength to do that.

I feel weak on every Sunday night. I feel like crying my eyeballs out every time I lay alone on my bed. So many thoughts would make a stop in my head on my way to sleep. I have sleeping problems. But only when I’m in Jengka. It is really hard for me to have a good and long sleep here. Jengka doesn’t provide the comfort that I have back home. Adam is only 5 mins away, my parents are just next to my room and everything else about home HAIHHHH. God, please give me the strength.

I want a happy memory about university life. I don’t want to regret any choices I made in the pass and those I’m about to make.

I really envy my friends who are studying in private colleges. My younger brother is currently studying in a boarding school in Perak. He complains all the time about changing back to his previous school near my house. His condition is much worse considering he can’t go back every weekend and the rules there are crazy. I often tell him, there is a reason why god put him over there. So I am really trying to accept the reason god placed me here in Jengka.

I just have to take it easy and be grateful.

Tonight, we shall go high.

2011-05-22T11:19:00.000-07:00

We can only enjoy the beauty of something after discovering its true meaning. I love reading blogs that belong to my seniors. I try to learn and adapt few things that they share. Naturally, they discover more things ahead of me because they're older and wiser. So, by reading their blogs and analyzing them, I could at least prepare myself for upcoming challenges. Or so I thought.

Upon analyzing, I find myself arguing with their thoughts. Maybe it is just my ego? I always have the opposite judgment towards their thoughts. I tend to think I have the best solution for every one's problem. But when their dilemma starts to come in my way, I truly understand everything that they once write about.

Only you can make yourself happy. One of my high school senior once wrote about that. Being the usual me, I think otherwise. To me, if you have the right crowd surrounding you, then everything will be okay. Recently, I learned that only I can make myself happy. When I achieve my dreams and desire, then only I'll be happy. Truly happy.

So, what is my current dilemma? I want to be independent. I mean, I am independent in sense I never really rely on my parents when it comes to money or comfort. I always find my own way. I grew up in a big family but truthfully, I grew up on my own. Some of you might not believe this, but I have never asked my parents for advice or guidance. I never talked to them about my problems. I don't even talk to my friends about my problems. I love listening to people's dilemma and offer them few words of advice but I just can't tell them about my dilemma.

All I want right now is full control over my own life. That's all.

So far, so good :)

2011-05-17T13:58:00.000-07:00

Rambles

2011-05-13T10:44:00.000-07:00

It has been two weeks since I leave Jengka and I still have another two weeks before semester three starts. So, how have I been doing? Actually, I am happy. Let's put aside the unnecessary drama and focus on the good things. And, walaaah, I feel better already! Adam is right, when life is too much, focus on things that make you happy and ignore the rest.

This week had been fun and productive. I went on a movie marathon date with Adam that day and I am glad we spend on something that is worth it. I still cannot find a movie that can top Batman : The Dark Knight. That is my ultimate favorite action movie. But does not mean I do not enjoy other movies.

I also shopped. Not for myself, but for Adam. My boyfriend is now a shopaholic and there is nothing wrong there. He made an oath to at least purchase one shirt or jeans every month. Because fellow readers, he never shop without his mum. So, to keep him updated with latest trend, I had to make him promise. And we are doing well so far.

I got to meet my highschool friends. I love this people. They just know how to make me laugh. You know, beside all the unnecessary drama that took place last year, we managed to get over that and once again, laugh. So thank you to Raihan, Danish, Izzat, Fakhrul, Adam, Hani, Alyf, Deanna, Fatin and Faqyh. We should really do it again. This time please include the twins+Amar and Si Besi. I really hope none of us become to cool to hang out with one another. Because what we once had, was perfect.

I am missing Nafisah Salim. So please, call me when you finish your paper. I want to be the first person you call and scream " I"M FREE!!". Just like we did back when we were 15.

Oh, last Sunday at around 12 am, I went to Rasta to meet my family in Jengka. They worth every second of my time. No matter how busy I get, if they call to meet up, i'll try my best. I had a really good time watching football with them. Then we head to AC Subang. Played pool and embarassed myself. Then, ate at Safa with Jijol and Hash and talked till 6.30 am. About what? Everything. I loveeeee doing that with these two boys. Only Aqem was missing. He got drunk at AC. Kidding.

Anyways, before anyone else have the chance to do it, I'd like to congratulate Hash Ridz for graduating. Have fun at your convo tomorrow. I'll try to make it there k?

Me and Adam have planned a backpacking to Penang. But we still can't find the right date and the right people to invite. It will still happen. I don't care.

Before I forget, Happy Mother's Day Mama, Mak and Nenek! My most precious ladies in my life. Love them to death. Will cherish them and be by their side in any circumstances <3

Have I annoy you yet? Hahah. K K we'll talk soon.

It ends now

2011-05-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

Am I happy? No.

Why? Because I thought we were best friends.

Friends and best friends. They now have the same meaning to me. Sometimes, friends know and understand you better. Sometimes, best friends act like strangers. Make sense? When it comes to friends, I try my best to make time for them. But now, I know who is worth my time, and who is not. I write this post out of frustration that I have towards this one particular friend. Best friend.

I always feel like I am the one who has to make the move. And I am the one who will later be disappointed. So, I'm done. I am done with you and your never ending drama. I just wish you grow up just like the rest of us did. I wish you stop acting as if we are still in highschool. I wish you try to understand. I wish you'd know what it feels like. I wish you can think like a friend. But, I can only wish.

For now, I'd like to distant myself away from you. And your childish drama.

That's a wrap everybody!

2011-05-01T09:21:00.001-07:00

I am not that inspired to blog tonight. But since I have nothing better to do, I shall write something. I am currently at Cyber Cafe near my housing area. Why you ask? I'm being a good sister- layan the little brothers play Counter Strike. Adam is here too. Don't worry, I'll never leave the house alone after 12 am. Because Adam never allows me to. Hahah.

Anyways, I was in Jengka yesterday to take my final exam- the last paper! Adam accompanied me. He wanted to visit Jengka for so long, so I thought why not right? I showed him the 'town' and where I usually hang out. Speaking of hanging out, I miss my debate family. Haih. I really hope you guys come and visit us nest semester. It's going to be different but I'm not moving even for an inch. So, don't worry Hash, Aqem, Jijol and Daus.

So, I am now as free as a bird. I don't plan on working because the holiday is too short. but I have listed a few plans. Hehe.

Taking over Broga Hills
Universal Studios in Singapore or Genting Highlands
Shop for Adam. He needs some major wardrobe makeover.
Hang out and catch up with all of my friends.
Not waste money. Yes.

I'd like to try adventurous things. Do they have bungee jumping in Malaysia?

Look at us now

2011-04-22T20:44:00.000-07:00

“I don’t want to love, once I start loving you, I’ll open up all the space for you to hurt me.”

–Fara Saddiq, October 2009

That was me two years back. And look at me now. All lovey dovey. *yuck

I write this post to share with you guys about my feelings and thoughts about love. Alyf used to think I’m naïve and shallow when it comes to love. I may not be as wise as other people but I learn and analyze a lot about myself. And to me that is enough. I don’t speak rubbish. I only speak of things that I know of. If it’s wrong through your eyes, I don’t have a problem with that.

To this one particular guy I know who is currently having this fear, let me tell you few things that might offer you some comfort. Love is so much more than getting hurt. Trust me. Sure it can hurt like hell, but it offers other thing as good as heaven. A little exaggeration maybe ( hehe). Don’t you think it feels good to have someone by your side all the time? Someone you can act so childish with without being judged? Sure, friends are important, but once you have that special someone, you can feel the difference. He/she is more than just a companion. Someone who really loves you sees what a mess you can be, how moody you can get, how hard you are to handle, but still needs you in their life and not judge you.

Yes, loving someone means giving him/her to right to hurt you. But it does not stop there.

Through my eyes, love knows no boundaries. To me, it’s okay if you’re gay or straight, cougar or not. As long as the feelings that you feel is genuine and sincere. I am not going against Islamic beliefs. All I’m saying is feeling is not something that we can control. It is our action that we must control. And each one of us has the right to our lives. As long as we are aware and ready to face the consequences, we can live our lives as we wish. People judge. They judge no matter what you do. So, fuck it. Pay no attention to it. I don’t. Okay, I try not to lah. Hahah. I am not that oblivious and I’m always conscious about what people think of me. But at least I will still proceed with my actions if it brings me happiness.

So readers, take risks, face the outcome and learn from it. You gain so much more by learning through your experience than listening to someone else’s.

I sound so cheesy and 'wise' because I just got back from Islamic Studies exam and I need to ramble. Exams drive people crazy I tell you. So excuse the cheesiness. Okay, you may go puke now. Bye!

Final Countdown

2011-04-22T10:30:00.001-07:00

I FUCKING hate exams.

So, I won't be blogging for a while. Maybe.

Wish me luck.

I'm gonna need it.

You're annoying but you're mine

2011-04-19T00:49:00.000-07:00

The past few days had been rough on us. Thank God, you stayed by me. I needed the support. As much as you annoy me with your non stop lecture, I know you're right. Just hate admitting it. I was hesitating whether to get on Hash's car and go back home. I wonder if you could make me smile just like before. I was scared of being disappointed again. I ignored all the voices in me telling me to stay. I risk it all knowing that you're waiting for me to come back home after so long.

And I'm glad I did. You managed to carve a smile on my face. I love you :)

I have so many things to write when it comes to you, but let's save it for some other time. Readers are gonna puke anytime soon. Later ya'll.

worthless disappointment

2011-04-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

Today is one of the most stressful days of the year. I hate it. Fucking hate it. I had series of terrible events occurring. I had never felt so alone. My period wasn’t even helping. Thank god I have Mira by my side today. If not I would have gone crazy.

People in this world can get so selfish and ignorant. Today had really opened my eyes. World is cruel and I can’t rely on anybody else but myself. Every single time I think about what happened today, I feel like crying. And I have nowhere to go. No one to go to. Yeap, this time I’m all by myself.

It’s hard when the person you can rely most on turns out to be the last person you want to talk to. Expectation kills, not curiosity. Expect nothing from people. Then only you won’t find worthless disappointment. Mark my words. Though it’s hard, it’d be a really great help once you’ve learn how to do it. And I am on my way there. Not yet there, but almost.

Now, I really don’t know where to go. What to feel. How to react.

I guess I’m lost. Really lost. I want to disappear. Is that possible?

What do I do? Someone tell me.

The 70's Love

2011-04-13T10:58:00.001-07:00

I always picture myself living during the 70’s. How people are so cheerful and excited about their everyday routine, being so carefree, having fun all the time, and how their love stories are so sweet and genuine. I have always wanted to be born during the 70’s, grow up during that era and have the best memory of teen life. Funny thing is, I meet a guy who shares the same dream. He wants to be there during the rock and roll era. To be a part of the real and original rockers.

He and I would cherish every single thing that still has a lil taste from the 70’s. The music, fashion and of course funfair. Do you realize how the 70’s are creeping back into our lives? Jazz, blues and classic is becoming a trend among underground musicians. And let’s talk about fashion. How all the vintage handbags and high-waisted skirts/jeans/shorts are available at almost every fashion store! Shoes, oh boy, oxfords and brogues. Gahhhhh. Okay that’s not why I’m blogging.

Have you watched any old movies where the guys would take their dates to funfair? Don’t you find it sweet? Cotton candy, pop corn and big stuffy animals. The part when the guys try to win teddy bears for their date is god damn cheesy but god damn sweet. And all a girl want is cheesy moments like that. Hahah. So boys, take note. Cheesy is good.

Few weeks back, he took me to a funfair near Kota Damansara. It wasn’t that fancy but the environment brought us back to the 70’s and that is unforgettable. It was something that we were looking for. Oh, I got on the scariest ride- The Hammer. It was my first time ever. And I hated it. I felt sick after that. I am usually very adventurous but that ride was just whoooosh. Then, we played few games and won a big stuffy dice. It is displayed in his car now. Kenangan lah katakan. Hahah.

I love the fact that I met a guy who has the same thought and interest though we are completely different.

Oh of course, his name is Adam Khan. No one else :)

Let us sit for a while

2011-04-11T02:24:00.000-07:00

This week would be the last week of classes for my second semester. How time flies. It is two weeks to finals and I'm scared shitless. I can't wait for semester break though. Cause Jakarta, I'll see you soon! Hehe. I can't wait. I have so many plans with family and Adam. But first, i must excel my finals.

Note to self :

Apply residential for next semester
Print examination slip or I can't enter the exam hall
Microeconomics quiz on Monday
Cost Accounting on Monday too ( stress stress)
Marketing test on Tuesday
Meeting up with Hash Ridz on Wednesday
Microeconomics test on Friday
Karaoke with debaters Friday night ( TAK SABAR)

Its raining now. I love it. I wish Adam is here. I miss my handsome boy. Anyways, Papa left for Australia for work. I hope he'll come back soon.Ya Allah, keep him safe. Oh and I met Jimmy Choo. Hahah. Okay, tak best mana pun. Just thinking about the fact he design for the Hollywood stars made me excited. Okay, Im done.

Since its raining, Imma go try and chill and relax ( sleep )

Later people :)

The sun shines all the time

2011-04-06T07:30:00.000-07:00

Thinking about travelling to many different places comforts me. Weird ey? When I am uncertain about my future, I’d picture myself backpacking with Adam and travel endlessly. No need for fancy hotels and posh restaurants. Just me and him, looking after each other is perfect. That is like my ultimate dream. To travel around the world with no burden, worries and obligations. I sometimes wonder why I am here in Jengka when I don’t want to in the first place. I still remember talking to Shobha during classes in high school about making it big in Hollywood. Call it immature, childish and stupid. But that was what we truly want. Waking up everyday doing something that we love. Now, that is life.

When I was 16, all I could think of was making a lot of money. Yes fellow readers, I was that shallow. During any education fair, I’d take up any engineering brochure to convince myself that I am interested in engineering. Yuck. I fucking hate maths, let alone engineering. YUCK YUCK YUCK.

Then, I don’t know what got into me. I suddenly think. LOL. I used to not think. Yeap. Anyways, I suddenly decide to be the person who wakes up in the morning, eager to go to work, and enjoy every single detail of it. I choose life over money. Don’t get me wrong. I still want to make sure I don’t have any difficulties in paying my bills. I just don’t like being miserable because of the choices I made based on some shallow reason.

And that is how I ended up being a business student. It’s my choice. So, I have to stay strong now. I am going to make the best out of it. I’m going to proof to all those people who thinks I’ll never make it big. I will. You want to know what makes it sweeter. The fact that I am going to enjoy and cherish my way up.

Is forever possible?

2011-03-22T01:29:00.000-07:00

My idea of a perfect rainy evening is being in Adam’s arms, share a cup of Nescafe, snuggling into him, and watch movies. I love the fact that it has been raining in Kuala Lumpur. Hehe. The best part of it is when I start to fall asleep in his arms. Sometimes I fake it, just to watch his reactions. He’d watch me and kiss my forehead gently. I feel safest and most fragile in his arms. He said whenever he holds me; it’ll be like holding a little girl longing for attention and care. The moment is perfect. Not because he’s perfect for me but because it is something we both need at that time. I love to feel overwhelmed by his presence and just soak in every moment until the one where we must say good bye.

I talk about my boyfriend all the time. Because I miss him. Talking about him makes me feel close to him. It comforts me. It guarantees some things other people might not understand. If some people is getting sick of listening to it, than you just don’t understand the pain. It is painful to suddenly be apart from each other when u spend almost every second together. It is painful to not being able to comfort and hold him when he breaks down. It is painful knowing that I’m not able to be with him when he feels alone. It hurts that I have to talk about him constantly so the guilt will be washed away. But by talking about him also makes me feel happy. By sharing to my friends about his silly actions makes me feel close to him. By telling you guys about his advices toward me, makes me feel secure knowing that I still hold on to it. I don’t blame you if you complain. One day, you’ll find someone special and feel the same exact way that I am feeling. Mark my words.

As I am typing this, tears are rolling down my cheeks. I have to write. To figure out why I even cry. It is my second semester here. Why do I still cry? He is my weakness. Hurt him and you’d kill me.

Because we have sworn to stay together

2011-03-16T20:56:00.000-07:00

There is this one thought that has been lingering in my mind. I have to write it down before I sleep. Usually I can see clearer picture of my thoughts after writing them down one by one. I have been ignoring this thought for quite long as I am occupied with so many things. Five minutes ago, I was browsing through my photo album. I feel saddened as I start to click on this particular album. Friends.

How time flies. It has been two years since I left high school. And how things were just less complicated and easy. How friendships were easily built and broken. It sounds cliché and cheesy, but fuck it, I miss high school. Why is it so hard to stay bonded after high school? Since when did we become to cool to be friends with each other? Since when did we become so judge mental? I hate the way we judge, assume and act. Why did we take sides? Why must we make it a habit to talk bad things about our own friend? We were once so tight. Damn tight. We never let anyone bully any of us. We stood up for each other. We got into trouble together. We shared the same dilemma. We came to school just to see each other. I look forward to hang with you guys. Words can’t describe how much you guys meant to me back then. What the fuck happened? It shocked me little things can set us apart. As if we did not build any friendship during high school.

I don’t know if it is my ego refraining myself from admitting this, but hey I think it is time to let it out. No matter what happened, I still love you guys. I really do. Even with so many fucked up situations, there is hope that we will once be like before. I hope each one would turn over a new leaf and let bygone be bygone.

I miss us.

And for all the things that have happened, I blame this one person.

Love

2011-03-10T06:48:00.000-08:00

You want to know what happiness is? It’s waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lies on anyone’s shoulder but their own. You smile, kiss their face in the gentlest manner so as not to wake them. You turn back around and an involuntary grin forms on your own face. You feel an arm wrap around your waist, and you know it doesn’t get any better than this..

I miss you baby. So much.

When I have nothing better to do

2011-03-08T08:48:00.001-08:00

10 things you want to say to 10 different people

You- I’m glad you loved the surprise. I hope you know that my feelings are growing stronger than ever towards you. If talking about you all the time is uncool to them, so be it. I think it is pretty obvious who you are. Heheh. Lebiu <3

You- I used to look up to you. But the more I got to know you, I find myself disliking your attitude. I don’t like the fact you make faces and judge me. I don’t need any of that. Especially from you.

You- Please buy yourself a deodorant. Thank you.

You- I thought we are over the ‘hating’ phase. Apparently, we are still there. I think it is best if we stay as friends instead of close friends. I just can’t.

You- I think you are the most understanding friend I have in UiTM Jengka. Thank god I have you. Hahah. Love you booby :P

You- I like having you around. We just got to know each other but I feel so comfortable with you. Hope it stays that way.

You- I don’t need you to judge us. You are not any better. Please mind your own business. Do not invade our privacy. Act mature. You’re not in high school anymore

You- Congratulations. You earned it. All the best. We are always here to support you. Love you mucho :)

You- Sometimes I regret the fact you made me want to stay. It is so hard for me to leave now. I feel trapped.
You- You don’t have to rub it in my face. You are rich, I know. But I have things that you don’t :)

Road Trip

2011-03-07T09:34:00.000-08:00

I notice something. I tend to blog when it rains. It’s been awhile since I last visited this site. I’ve been occupied with few things. Mostly my emotions. Adam said, I need to be closer to god, remember who our prophet is and selawat all the time. It works you know. At this point, I don’t have any difficulties in life but I am not happy. Things are turning around. Everything that is a part of me if changing. Some towards the positive and some towards the negative.

Papa will be flying to Sydney, Australia in two weeks. He might make his visit permanent. Work stuff. I am worried. Haih. Now I understand what Adam feels. I do not like the fact we’ll be separated. Papa make home feels safe. I feel like I need to be at home to take care of everyone. But I’m far awayyyyy :( Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for him. He has made it so far for us. I just can’t help worrying.

I notice something else too, my blog is sooooo depressing!

Okayh2. Time to talk about my weekend! Heheh, soooooo I had a really really really good, awesome and adventurous weekend! Me and few friends from UiTM rent a car and actually drove to KL, Genting Highlands and back to Jengka. I spent my money on Baskin Robbins, movies, leisure (heheheh), and Flying coaster!! The best part of it was the car ride. We put the radio on the loudest volume and sang/screamed along. Oh, the windows were open. So we do get a lot of stares. Not that we care. Hahah. It is nice to get away from the massive situation in University. Should do it again. This time with my awesomeeee seniors: P We must go on a road trip!

And, a vacation.

Ps: I love my Adam. Just saying :P

You could do better

2011-02-28T09:01:00.000-08:00

Hmm, how do I start? Few things are bothering me right now. I came across a friend’s status update on Facebook. A simple update telling the rest of us his current dilemma. That simple update turned out to be an argument. Argument about what you may ask? Argument on who is more intellectual. These two friends were not even commenting on the update, more like writing an essay or a figurative speech on who has the best literature skills, who could interpret human’s behavior best and who could speak English better. Why the fuck do you people have to do that on Facebook? They insulted each other, bring down each other’s point of view and actually feel good about themselves after doing that. You don’t have to insult other’s ability just so you can prove you’re better. They may sound very intellectual and mature, but to me those two are two idiots flaunting their so called ‘intellect young mind’. Trying so hard to impress others but didn’t realize they actually look like fools. High IQ but none on the EQ. No matter how much knowledge you have, without common sense you are still at the bottom. I hope some people would just live life without having to analyze it all the time just to stay ahead of others.

I just finished one big packet of sweets. And Adam is asleep so, bear with me.

Next, I told you earlier during my trip to Shah Alam, I discovered many sides of people. I began to know each and every one more. And I have to admit, I dislike some of it. But hey, I can adapt. As long as you don’t bring me trouble, I’m okay. I am not judge mental. I analyze just to meet that mutual understanding. Heh make sense? I realized I should trust no one. Something I should have learned way earlier. It’s okay, now I know lah. I feel like there is more to express but I can’t seem to put everything in words. All I know is I’m beginning to see clearer pictures of those surrounding me. And I’m slowly learning to grow my patience. May god stay with me.

My appetite is also growing. I wonder if I still have my Honey Stars noww.

Anyways, how can I end my post without talking about the other half of me? I miss doing all the boyfriend/girlfriend things with him. I miss snuggling into him whenever I’m about to breakdown. I miss having his rough and big hands gently play with my hair. I miss the way he nags and worries. I miss listening to his singing. I miss sitting next to him in the car and make stupid jokes. I miss sitting on his couch and mengadu. GAAAHHHHHH. WHEN THE HELL IS THE NEXT HOLIDAY?! I miss my handsome boy. I have been so occupied with work. Sometimes I feel disconnected with him. I cannot go through a day without telling him every single detail that is happening. But lately, I can’t even find the time to really talk to him. I wish nothing bad will happen. I have faith in us. Because I have the best man by my side!

Ruski is the best magi mee. Being a University student, you will experiment every type of Maggi out there. So far, Ruski managed to give me orgasm.

I’m done. For now. Hehe.

Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world

2011-02-23T09:57:00.000-08:00

Pictures taken during our first hanging out session in KL. I managed to bring Adam along and let him be a part of my treasure in Jengka. We had the longest table and of course were the most havoc group you could find that night at Asian Cafe, KD :)

Little things that count

2011-02-21T10:07:00.001-08:00

Lecturers are bombarding us with assignments, tests and quizzes. However, I can still find time to sleep. This week is going to be another hectic week. I am not loving it.

It’s the first night of not meeting the debaters, and I’m already missing them.

I’m craving for Ikea meatballs. Please get me some!

I am amazed of how some people can hate each other without any apparent reason. Dislike that.

I suck at hiding my feelings. This week has confirmed it all.

I managed to spend a short time with family during my trip to Shah Alam and it is not enough. I miss them already.

I want to sniff the boyfriend’s hair and neck all night long.

Oh, can’t wait for this weekend. I’m going to Thailand with family + Adam! Trip to discover food and of course, to SHOP!! Super excited!

I really need to shop. More jeans. More blazers or cardigans. More shoes.

Over the weekend, I find myself discovering the other side of people. For instance, Med ( super senior from UiTM Shah Alam). He is not that horrible lah. At least this time he knows how to give up when it comes to arguing with me. And I can really see that he truly cares about us. Well, that is something to love. Not to forget Ajis. I’m really glad he opened up and found his comfort zone with us. I will write more about my trip later kay!

I think I have improved my debate skills.

More positive vibe this week!

Okayh, sleep now Fara!

I don't feel good. uh oh.

2011-02-18T11:37:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone, it is 3.38 am. I am supposed to be sleeping already. Tomorrow is going to be a long day in Shah Alam. Yes people, I am now in Shah Alam, representing UiTM Pahang in a National Debate Competition. I'll be here for three days until Sunday and I wish it'll be over soon. Today has been tough. I have been emotionally challenged since the beginning of today. After all the trouble we had to go through, I just wish I could call it a day in my warm and comforting bed. But here I am instead. I don't know why, but I can't seem to sleep. How I wish I could just be in Adam's arm and cry to sleep. I really do.

Tomorrow, another four rounds await me and others. At this point, I am just gonna give my best shot and get it over with. I'll see it as a good exposure. No high hopes. No, I am not giving up. The timing is just not perfect. I guess I'll be relying on lots of Red Bull to keep me awake.

As I'm typing this, I can actually feel my whole body vibrating. I feel weak and fragile. It has been a long day and i should at least rest. I pray hard to Allah, to make tomorrow easier for us and may we have the best time of our lives.

One thing that managed to cheer me up today was Adam. Thank you for coming and for your endless support. And to my seniors, Thank you for all the hard work and trouble you had to go through to get our asses here in Shah Alam.

Imma try to sleep. Good Night :)

Rants

2011-02-10T01:31:00.001-08:00

Hey people, I am here to express my frustration. Yeap, again. Here is why.

My classes on Thursday (today) are all canceled. Since, I don’t have class on Friday; I could have gone back to Kuala Lumpur last night! I could also extend my holiday till next Tuesday (Maulidur Rasul). But here I am, in my room in UiTM Jengka, doing absolutely nothing productive! I am stuck here because I have to attend Debate Centralized Training this weekend and also some UiTM program. So basically, I AM LOSING MY MIND. I have been in my bed ever since I woke up. Watched 3 movies in a row. Finished all my junk food. And, I have no plans for tonight. This means, more movies.

HAIH

I feel like going to Bukit Tinggi on Friday since I’m so free. I need to breathe different kind of air.

This maze is endless

2011-02-08T09:31:00.000-08:00

If god doesn't give you what you want today, He has something bigger for you.

I don’t know how to put my feeling and thoughts into words. All I know is, I don’t feel happy and content. I can’t study, I can’t smile, I can’t please anyone, and my debate skill is getting worse. You know that feeling when you’re about to sleep and you’ll start to think about what has been going on in your life, trying to find solutions to your problems, imagine your dreams are coming true, reminiscing your happy memories and regret some of it? I faced that every single time ever since the beginning of this year. When I take my shower, walking to class, playing tennis or eat, I just can’t escape from all these thoughts. If only someone would understand me and comfort me. Ladies and gentlemen, I have forgotten how to be happy. I have lost myself. I am not the same happy-go lucky girl. I am not as carefree as I used to be.

I think too much, I worry too much, I’m negative all the time.

I need to be at home right away. Surrounded by the faces I’m familiar with. But hey, duty calls. I can’t go back for another three weeks. Yay. I really do envy college students. They’re close to everything they love. They’re in their comfort zone. Don’t get me wrong, I love being independent but sometimes I just want to feel safe regardless any difficulties I’m facing.

I accept the fact that my life is now in Pahang (most of the time lah). I’m okay with this place. Friends are great. But why am I so eager to leave this place? I feel like a hypocrite. I tell everybody that I’m fine, happy and well. Truth is, I’m not. Adam has been a great boyfriend to me. Thank god I have him to support me at times like this. When he gives me advices, I tend to deny them all. Why? Is it the ego? Haih. I miss my family. I want to be there with them. I hope everything will be fine again.

I know I have been complaining for this post. I just feel like letting it off my chest. Somehow by typing them, I’m able to figure few things out.

Treasure in Jengka!

2011-01-24T01:13:00.000-08:00

I just said my goodbye to Hash Ridz. Mira and I rushed to town to have lunch with Hash since it is his last day here in Jengka. And of course, time spent with Hash is never dull. Thank you Hash for the pleasant surprise. Thank you for extending your trip for us. Thank you for spoiling us with your generosity. Thank you for being the senior/big brother I never had. God bless you. Have a safe trip back home.

Oh, I told everybody I had the best weekend in Jengka. But I never stated why. You see, Jengka is literally in the middle of nowhere. You will have to go through 30 minutes of driving in the woods (exaggerating) to get to my campus. So during weekends, when we have no classes and any activity, we’re like dead here. We only eat, sleep and go online. That is one of the reasons why I go back every single week. But this week I learn something. No matter where you’re at, as long as you have an amazing company, everything will be alright. So this post is especially for my family here in Jengka, the amazing debaters.

I had planned weeks earlier that I am going to go home last weekend because of Chic Pop fashion bazaar. Then, I was told I’m not allowed to go back home because we have to organize an event which occurred last Saturday and Sunday. But hey, I’m glad I stayed. Really. I had so much fun organizing the event with the debaters. Not one minute is dull and we succeeded. If I could repeat the whole thing again, I so would. I was pretty down due to some issues but they managed to make me laugh like never before. For once, almost all the debaters were gathered. We went for a big dinner on Friday night, I slept over at a senior’s house to avoid curfew just so I can hang out with them until 4 in the morning, joke around with mummy and daddy, manja-ing with Hash, sexually harassed Aqem and Harry, teased Jijol and Daus 24/7, bitching around with Yana, drove Ajiz’s car like a maniac, set up pranks with Ieka, and also cried. Cried because, they touched my heart. They made me feel safe and they provide comfort. If you were to ask me what is it that I treasure most about Jengka, it’d be the debaters. Especially the seniors.

So thank you guys for providing us home in Jengka. I look forward to many more hours, days and years with you guys. Oh, and I did promise I would send my wedding invitation. Hahah. I love all of you :)

And a lil update bout me (LOLOLOLOL), I’m going back to KL this Thursday night for a week! However, I’ll be in UiTM Shah Alam on Saturday and Sunday for a debate competition (YIKES!!!!!!!!). Good side is I can still see the debaters during holidays! Oh and, my parents postponed their trip to Australia because my brother got into MRSM somewhere in Perak (HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAH). So, parents have to prepare stuffs. Alright, I’m done!

Buhbye.

This misery, take it away

2011-01-16T10:30:00.001-08:00

According to one of my good friend, I have everything that a girl would want. Supportive parents, crazy siblings, loving boyfriend, good friends and also my carefree attitude. But hey, why am I still not happy and satisfied? Why am I so miserable? Is it normal? Maybe all I need is a break. If u were to ask about my weekend, I’d say it was fun but also emotional. I don’t know, HAIH. I hope things would turn around someday. I wish things were the same. What the hell happened? Things are getting pretty critical and I didn’t even realize its happening. How did I let it go this bad? I know I have always been oblivious to my surrounding, but not to him. Why do I feel selfish and ignorant? Right now, I’m everything negative. So, you might want to stay away for a while. Do you know where I feel most comfortable and safe? His arms. But why am I hurting him? Perhaps I need time for myself. P/s: I love you. HAIH. Being alone in Jengka, made me feel vulnerable and fragile. Not helping at all. I need to gather strength and distract myself. It’s okay, one year left, and I’m off to Shah Alam! So much closer to everything I love.

I know this sounds cheesy, but I MISS MY FAMILY :( All of us have this weird relationship with each other. In a good way lah. I bet you, a day in my house and you’ll be traumatized for the rest of your life. Like me and my mum, I talk to her like a friend. LOL. If you see the way we act, you might think I’m her bigger sister. Not because she looks younger (WHATEVER MAMA) but she acts like a teenager and I act like an adult. I think she’s going through mid-life crisis. Though she is only 40. And my dad, heh. We debate a lot. We always tease and annoy each other. Oh, we give faces too. Please remind me to take my younger brothers to cybercafé the next time I go home :) And Diba, I know you can’t live without your pretty, wise and awesome sister. MUAHAHAHAHA.

Btw, I can’t wait for Chinese New Year break! At least there is something to look forward to. Parents will be flying to Australia for a week and all the responsibilities/parenting/babysitting are placed on my shoulder and Adam’s. Oh did I mention the car? Hahah. Anyway, the point is I love being at home. Close to everything I’m familiar with.

Oh, have I told you? It has been one great year being with him <3

I think the world knows how much i truly and deeply love you

Idle youth, enslaved to everything

2011-01-12T20:25:00.000-08:00

It is 1.05 am and the rain is pouring showing no sign of stopping. Accompanied by good music and hot coffee, I am suddenly inspired to blog. Wow, how long have I abandoned this blog? I am so sorry for not updating with things that have been going on in my life. I remembered the original reason why I started to blog again. That is to update my best friends on my current life. And also to share some of my personal thoughts and advice with other readers. Somehow I have lost the motivation to do so. Nowadays, I immersed myself in a dream world which obviously took me nowhere. When bad things happen, I tend to drive myself into some fantasies. Only in that world, will I be able to convince myself that tomorrow will be better than today. Life without problem is LIFE. Whoever said it will be boring is an idiot. When people ask me what you want to achieve in life, I’d give a simple answer. To have an easy and happy life n the future. Then they’ll say it’s too general. Yes, it may be but that is what I truly want to achieve. I swear.

You know that feeling when you’re 18 and all you want to do is have control over your own life? I’m very familiar with it. As we grow up, the need to have our own personal space becomes essential. Too bad for me, I’m enslaved to my own life. And I’m not happy with it. I just want to let it off my chest and scream. Then, run to Paris, eat the waffle under the Eiffel Tower that Sayang won’t stop talking about, go shop at some local stores and never return. Well, I just described half of my dream world. That dream will one day come true. I’ll work hard for it. I admit that sometimes I do want to run away from things that bother me. I know I should just face it and not be a coward. As much as my closed friends convinced me that I am a really strong girl, everybody has their breaking point. I think I’m about to reach mine. All because shitty things will never stop happening. They keep on rolling in. I wish there is a stop button or at least a pause button. God, give me a break for at least few days.

Anyways, I have been really busy during semester break. Now, I’m currently in semester two! No, I am not complaining. Semester two is treating me good. So far, everything is going on smoothly. Things are way better this year. Maybe because I managed to adapt to this lifestyle. I believe this place made me stronger. It taught me so many things in just 4 months. So of course, I look forward to many more months here. Jengka has also been playing a good role this semester. Jengka has the best weather in Malaysia, I swear. You can hardly feel the heat from the hot glaring sun here even at 2pm. It is always cold and rainy, not to mention foggy. So washing your clothes here would be a waste of time cause it’ll take 2 to 3 days to dry. That is why I go back every weekend. Kidding. I go back to KL every week simply because I miss everything there.

So, I shall update you guys now right? Okayh. Here goes.

How did I do in my previous exam? Well, I scored 3.49 cgpa. I know, 0.01 to Dean’s List. What a waste. Trust me, the moment I found out I felt like smashing my head on any hard surface near me. I actually punched a door and boy, that sucked. Kesatria brought me down by giving me the lowest grade(B-). Whatever Kesatria! I’m joining Tennis this year so I’m allowed to make fun of you . HAH! Anyways, my parents were both satisfied. So even though I wasn’t satisfied, I’m happy cause they’re proud. HEEE.

Next, what was I up to during semester break? To those who didn’t know, I was working at Kitschen, Curve. Why did I get myself into that? Well let’s see, I need to fill my time and wallet. My aim is to get a whole new wardrobe before new semester begins. The thing is, when I shop, I have to consider UiTM dress code which is the pain in the ass. But I’m grateful though, my campus is not as strict as others. We can actually wear T-shirts and leggings. No joke. Sara and me especially love wearing jerseys or plain t-shirts during night classes. Oh BTW, I will never work for Kitschen ever again. They suck to the core!

So, did I manage to hang out with all loved ones? DUHHHH! I lepak-ed like never before. I usually get home around 3 to 4 am. My usual activities include teasing Mama at home, listen to my sister’s issues, help papa with house chores, take my younger brothers to CC, movie marathon with Adam, swimming at club, late night dinner, bowling and random visits to various places in KL. But sadly, there is this one particular group that I hoped to lepak with, but didn’t manage to. My debate Family. Its okay, some other time ok guys :)

Wow this post is getting way long. I shall stop here. I’ll continue next time with updates on my current life and of course,my new year celebration.

I’m gonna watch Inception now and talk to Adam before sleep. Goodnight people :)

Keep it close to you

2010-10-08T09:22:00.000-07:00

I am stuck here in UiTM Pahang for the weekend. Tomorrow, the whole family will be heading to Malacca for my cousin’s wedding. I was told that I’ll be facing Accounts test on Sunday morning. And it was only last night that I found out the test will be held at night. Macibai. I could’ve done all the preparation to head home for the wedding. Reunion, good food, and partial vacation.

I skipped 8 am class earlier today and woke up at 12pm. And since then, I did nothing but procrastinate. But I did clean my closet and I discover new findings that I never knew exist in my closet (it is like world war III in there, that’s why). Recently, I got my corporate outfit for business students to wear every Wednesday. I thought of wearing it with skinny jeans after I alter that humongous shirt. But guess what, I found something much more sophisticated as a business student, a high-waisted slack! I remember getting it few months ago in Johor but never found the right occasion to wear it. Now that I’m an official business student, I can wear them every day! So, tomorrow I shall hit the town to alter that corporate outfit so it fits me perfectly. I can’t wait to wear them next Wednesday, keep a look out :P

One thing I actually love about Jengka is its view. They plant a lot of pine trees here that made me feel like I’m in Forks, Washington especially when it is foggy. Around 6pm, the view gets very fascinating. If only I have my DSLR now, I’d tour around campus and capture all the breath taking views. Anyways, I am bored to death here because Mira is currently participating in BPC Camp. I miss that bitch already. Hope you’re doing fine and please cepat balik!

Okay, since I’ve got nothing better to do, I came up with my 10-things-that-never leave-my-mind list.

· Have a condominium in Penang, facing the beach of course. I’d decorate my dream bedroom to be very cozy, welcoming and comfy. I want to wake up seeing his face and that would definitely make a good start for a new day. That comel face, GAAAHH! :P

· Travel around the world. I want to discover more things in life. A wise man once said, ‘To get to know your world better, you must immerse yourself in other world’. I want to learn more about people and of course, discover new food!

· Own a Volkswagen Beetle, in Yellow. I don’t care, I want it in yellow!

· Possess a to-die-for closet. Just like Kimora’s. If only I’m that lucky.

· Grow my hair. I miss my curly hair but somehow straight hair is easier to manage. I want to get some highlights but I’m afraid it’ll go wrong. So, I shall refer to the expert, Papa! Yes, papa. I still remember being in the salon with him and he actually said ‘ Tukarlah hairstyle tu, asyik yang sama je’. -__________________-“ So, he told the hair dresser to chop my hair off and straighten it.

· Go on a vacation before I lose my mind. I’m craving for Pangkor. Seriously, somebody take me away!

· New phone, please. My phone looks like it’s about to shut down anytime. Preferably, iPhone or BlackBerry. HAHAH :P *coughs*birthday coming up*coughs*

· Finals examination. Not gonna elaborate on that.

· Money $$$ seriously, I think about it every single second. I’m not money minded but I just figure, if I have money I can do whatever I want. Okay, maybe I am lil money minded.

· Of course, family and the boyfriend. Rindulahhhhh.

At the end of every tunnel, there is ?

2010-10-07T11:15:00.000-07:00

When I first heard business society is holding a camp that was made compulsory for Part one students, I can’t stop thinking of excuses to skip that camp. As I was about to give up and just go with the flow, something pop out. I’d call it a blessing. An escape from the camp. Little did I know that temporary escape would have a permanent place in my heart.

Yes, I admit, when I first enter debate, I don’t have any intention of winning or even grab the Best Speaker title. The fact that I don’t have to participate in that camp drives me to keep arguing with my insecurity. And I’m glad I did. I grow to love being part of the competition.

When Director’s Cup ended, me, myself decided to join Debate Club. Without any external force, I decided to be part of it for good. Today, I am proud to be a member of Debate Club. God knows how grateful I am to have met UiTM Jengka debaters. If any of guys are reading this, I want you to know, you made Jengka feels like home. I swear. And trust me; I’m not the only one who feels that way. I look forward to every single meeting just so we can hang out and for me to actually have a good laugh.

With them, I’m allowed to be myself. I think, I’m pretty open-minded or maybe too open-minded and that made me who I am. I’m thankful I can still be that person in this uncivilized place. LOL no offence, but its true! Haih.

It is sad we just had our last meeting just now with Part 6 seniors. GAAAAAAAAAAAHHH I feel like crying just thinking about not being able to laugh, tease and sexually harass them L Hash, if you’re reading this, I want you to know, every single time I consume Hash Brown, it’ll remind me of you, Beast. Just because you’re gonna graduate, that won’t stop making me cari pasal :P

I’d really love to tell my friends more about the seniors here. I’ll do it some other day tho. I have to sleep now because I have an early class tomorrow. And that, I still hate.

You know, I have finally found something to love here.

Just had to post this one up.
Oh, he's the mother of debate club.
Aqem Kemut :P

P/S : Oh, I just noticed something. We don't have a picture of all of us together. You know what this means :P

Hello, anyone in here?

2010-10-04T19:40:00.000-07:00

I need a vacation right away! Oh boy, I'm really stressed out. With finals in 2 weeks, assignments that just wouldn't stop piling up, sudden quizzes and tests and real life dramas. My class starts at 2pm today. So I had today all planned last night. Knowing me, none of it happened. Why? because here I am surfing the net searching for pictures of nice beaches. Above is taken in Hawaii. I tend to kill myself softly, just by searching for pictures like this. I just can't help myself. I love dreaming about traveling around the world, have few real-estates just so I can go back there whenever I need to, for instance, NOW. When the mid-sem break ended, I finally know what its like being in University. How stressful life can get. From now on, I will not judge those who killed themselves in University.

Dear god, I miss my girfriends :( I can't wait for the finals to end so we can hit the best beaches in Malaysia. Raihan Rosli, if you don't want to miss any of it, came back fast. We miss having you around.

Anyways, just as a reminder to myself :

Finish Business Math assignments. Not one, but three Fara!
Math quiz this Wednesday, which is tomorrow :O
Send in your MC to Madam for Management class, if you want to sit for finals.
Complete course registration for second semester.
Accounts presentation, assignments. oh, and test this freakin Sunday!!
Kesatria test next Monday.
Wash your clothes unless you want to go naked to class.
Oh, how can you forget, PRINT YOUR EXAMINATION SLIP.
study while studying
take a chill pill, NOW

Et tu Brute, then fall Caesar

2010-10-04T01:57:00.000-07:00

Hypocrites are funny, we are funny. Lesson I learned during this weekend is to never trust someone unless that person is your partner or family member. Lesson I learned the hard way. How I wished I’ve never trusted him, how we wished we never met him.

To you- We’ve been friends since the day I walked into high school. I have very much respect towards you. He respects you as well. May I ask, what did I ever do to you that made you start speaking lies to them, whom I’ve considered close friends? Have you realized you are now trap in your own game? Yes, I did talk about them but I didn’t spread any fucking gossips about them as I only discussed my opinion with my partner. Oh, so I don’t have the right to my own opinion now? Whatever things I talked about with Adam Khan, is our private conversation on which you don’t have the slightest right to interfere. Blood brothers ay? Fucking bullshit man. Don’t dare talk about trust to me. Ukur baju di badan sendiri ye. All you talked about was what I say about them, Oh, so you’re the saint now? You didn’t say anything bad about them? Oh, maybe u missed out that part. Its okay, your secret is safe with me. I won’t tell them anything. Oh by the way, I’d like to make one thing clear to you; we’ll never be friends again. Losing you is surprisingly easy for us.

You & You – The next time you dial my number and his number, please know the way to talk to a friend. A close friend. I really do despise people making their own assumptions. Next time, ASK. And please lah, aku xd masa nak kutuk kau kat formspring. Seingat aku, aku back up kau. Get your facts right before making conclusions. You want the truth, come see me.

I’m not trash talking, but I have to let some things off my chest. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you guys. I have also forgiven you. I’m done with you guys. After this we are just hi and bye friends.

I'm here for a reason

2010-09-20T23:47:00.000-07:00

I do not know why, even after almost three months, I still cannot find anything to love here in Pahang. Every single time the week started, all I kept wishing was, for the weekend to come faster so I can go home. I am thankful I got accepted into one of the well known University and the distance is not that far compared to other friends of mine, but being a normal human being, I just cannot help asking for more. The only way for me to get out of this isolated part of Malaysia is by scoring high cGPA in three semesters in a row, so I could straight away pursue my degree in Shah Alam. I don’t intend to spend three years of my life here. The sooner I get out of this place, the sooner I’ll gain my sanity back. So all I have to do is work my ass off and leave this place for good. The only thing that is motivating me right now is my dream- luxurious life, endless shopping, tour around the world, successful CEO, Volkswagen Beetle (yellow in color please), real estate in Malibu and Paris. The other name for it, no difficulties in paying my bills.

This Friday, I have four assignments to hand in and I’ll be facing two tests. Even with all these work, I still procrastinate. That’s why I’m here blogging while Skype-ing with the boyfriend.

K k that’s all for now. Toodles .